un loving you

I don't wanna fall in love with you So many times this is what my heart's been through That old story that keeps playing in my mind Of love I am destined to find I don't wanna fall in love with you... So many women I have met on the way Showed me love then ran away I ain't afraid to love and lose Just wanna stay with someone I choose I don't wanna fall in love with you... So now as I meet you at last My hands shake and my heart beats so fast Will you be the one who helps me believe That love is lasting and free? Because I just wanna be love for you...

I can't believe I used to be...

A partner A lover A surrogate parent to two little girls Someone that made you smile Someone that cared for you Someone that shared your love Someone you had sex with Someone you cared about Someone you called your partner Someone you relied upon Someone you loved Your man Your friend The person that got you riding motorbikes again The person you laughed with The person you confided in

the acute pain of existence

Thank God for ACUTE Pain - hereby referred to as Pain. Pain is the greatest teacher there is. Pain tells us many things. Pain tells us of our personal limitations. Pain shows us areas where we are most vulnerable. Pain is a sign post, a reference point. Pain indicates areas that need our love and attention. Pain doesn't always mean "Stop!" but it does always mean "Attention!". Pain crosses boundaries between the realms of our existence, for example if we experience physical pain it affects us mentally, emotionally and spiritually. Pain is always internally perceived, it is only ever a response to stimuli, external stimuli never actually causes pain.

a new analogy

The garden of personal growth can only be watered by your tears and irradiated by your laughter.

The Waiting Room

I sit here waiting again. I would have said "patiently waiting again", but that would be a lie, I hate waiting. I told her I would wait patiently. What was I thinking? Why did I say that? Does anyone really like waiting rooms? Aren't they the worst rooms ever? Old magazines; usually trashy women's mags filled with "tragic" tales that are supposed to be inspiring. So she beat cancer thanks to the power of love, lucky her. Why am I here? Why am I subjecting myself to this torture of hard plastic seats, linoleum floors and sickeningly bright fluro lights? I just want to go home. Really home. I don't belong here. I belong in a place where I feel safe, where I am not alone, where I am loved and cared for by someone I love and care for. Will I ever have that in my life again? Who likes sitting, waiting, not knowing? Will she even reply? Will we ever meet? Why do I care about someone I haven't even met so much? What The Fuck, is wrong with me? Meh, fuck it. I am out of here...

Running as a metaphor...yet again.

Had a great jog this morning, felt relatively pain-free, fit and strong. As I was pounding along my beautiful beach I thought about breathing. Inspiration and expiration. Expiration can also mean death, so got to thinking about breathing as life and death. I control my breathing when I jog to a 6 pace rhythm. Breath in pace pace breath out pace pace. So I started thinking live _ _ die _ _ . The really interesting thing was that the "live" seemed to want to naturally pop into my head on expiration, which I was associating with death. Seems very appropriate given the lessens I have learned in my life especially recently about how some things need to die to allow for new life to grow. Life through death a never ending cycle.

Mind power.

This mornings 5.4km was hard, really hard. Savage westerly wind, just after starting Giz dropped back and when I turned my head to see where he was I strained my right calf again. It was cold so I had trackies and a hoodie on which seemed to add to a feeling of tightness in my muscles because of the extra restriction on my movement they caused. I thought about my friend who is aiming for a PB in a 5km race today. I thought about not hating, resenting and fighting the wind, but loving it as I ran against its resistance to my efforts. I sought to draw from internal or seemingly super-natural strength as I have in the past, but it was so hard and I knew it was slow. The final {30 minute} update on my phone pinged, I could barely here it, but I heard the dreaded phrase: "Average pace; six...." for the first time in months I was going to miss my goal (average pace less than 6 minutes per kilometre, minimum 5 kilometres). "Oh Hell NO!!!" I thought, "Not today, I am not going to fail today; no, fucking, way." And that was it. I simply forgot all the pains, fatigue and doubt and ran as hard as I could for the final two minutes. I hit the virtual stop button on my phone at the imaginary finish line; "Average pace; five minutes, fifty-eight seconds per kilometre." I had tried all the usual things to reach my goal, but in the end I achieved the seemingly impossible simply through the practice of allowing my mind to overcome the matter. Mind power, it is real and it works, this for me proved it...